The Dutch card drawer

Dad jokes. Sarcastic cards.
Unsolicited wisdom.

Dad jokes, quick observations, questionable advice, and Dutch looking like he’s already heard your excuse. Filter by character or card type, then tap any card to see it full size.

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A growing collection

The Dutch card collection

Quick observations. Questionable advice. Dutch looking like he’s already heard your excuse.

I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia. She whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

Dutch Jr. · Dad joke

Library Paranoia

I told my suitcase we weren’t going on holiday this year. Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.

Dutch Jr. · Dad joke

Emotional Baggage

I bought a ceiling fan. Complete waste of money. He just stands there yelling, “Go, ceiling!”

Dutch Jr. · Dad joke

Go, Ceiling!

My wife asked why I was carrying a ladder into the bar. I heard the drinks were on the house.

Dutch Jr. · Dad joke

Drinks on the House

I accidentally swallowed some food colouring. The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

Dutch Jr. · Dad joke

Dyed a Little Inside

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

Dutch Knuckles · Dad joke

Chicken and Egg Online

I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.

Dutch Knuckles · Dad joke

It Grew on Me

The shovel was a groundbreaking invention. But the broom swept the nation.

Dutch Knuckles · Dad joke

Swept the Nation

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

Dutch Knuckles · Dad joke

I Don’t Know Y

I bought a book about anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

Dutch Knuckles · Dad joke

Can’t Put It Down

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

Punk Dutch · Dad joke

Always Up to Something

$I asked my dog what two minus two is. He said nothing.$

Punk Dutch · Dad joke

Two Minus Two

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

Punk Dutch · Dad joke

I Don’t Know Y

I used to hate facial hair. But then it grew on me.

Punk Dutch · Dad joke

It Grew on Me

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know.

Punk Dutch · Dad joke

Chicken and Egg Online

I don't hold grudges. I just remember names, dates, and the exact tone you used.

Carnie Dutch

Grudges, Names, Dates, and Tone

I'm not hard to get along with. You're just making a surprisingly strong case against it.

Carnie Dutch

A Surprisingly Strong Case

Nothing humbles you faster than waving back at someone who wasn't waving at you.

Carnie Dutch

The Awkward Wave Back

My bank app asked if I recognized my spending. Honestly, fair question.

Carnie Dutch

The Bank App Asked

I keep meaning to fix that squeaky door. It keeps bringing it up.

Carnie Dutch

That Squeaky Door

I bought a planner to get organized. Now I know exactly where I'm failing.

Carnie Dutch

Planner Reality Check

My phone says I need to unplug. I told it to mind its own business.

Carnie Dutch

My Phone Needs to Unplug

I tried taking the high road. It was closed for construction.

Carnie Dutch

The High Road Is Closed

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Carnie Dutch

Follow Dutch Knuckles

Follow Dutch Knuckles on Spotify, YouTube, Facebook, and Instagram.

Carnie Dutch

Follow Dutch Knuckles

I love when people say 'calm down.' I was almost done being annoyed.

Dutch Jr.

Almost Done Being Annoyed

I'm not stubborn. I just refuse to be wrong before the evidence shows up.

Dutch Jr.

Refusing to Be Wrong

I'm great at multitasking. I can ignore you and be annoyed about it at the same time.

Dutch Jr.

Multitasking and Annoyance

Thanks for the unsolicited advice. I'll file it under 'things I didn't ask for.'

Dutch Jr.

Unsolicited Advice

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Dutch Jr.

Follow Dutch Knuckles

I'm not avoiding responsibilities. I'm giving them time to build character.

Cowboy Dutch

Giving Responsibilities Time

I followed the instructions. Mostly. The extra screw is probably decorative.

Cowboy Dutch

The Extra Screw Is Decorative

My to-do list is getting shorter. I keep moving it to tomorrow.

Cowboy Dutch

Tomorrow's To-Do List

I'm not lazy. I'm just saving my energy for a problem that probably won't happen.

Cowboy Dutch

Saving Energy for a Problem

People say I hold grudges. I don't. I just have an excellent memory and terrible timing.

Cowboy Dutch

Grudges and Terrible Timing

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Cowboy Dutch

Follow Dutch Knuckles

More sarcasm, less life advice. Follow Dutch Knuckles.

Cowboy Dutch

More Sarcasm, Less Life Advice

I'm not saying I'm lazy. I'm just waiting to see if the problem fixes itself.

Punk Dutch

Waiting for It to Fix Itself

I give excellent advice. Taking it myself would be ridiculous.

Punk Dutch

Excellent Advice (For Someone Else)

I used to bounce back from a rough night. Now I need a recovery plan and a snack.

Punk Dutch

A Recovery Plan and a Snack

I'm not arguing. I'm explaining why you're wrong with enthusiasm.

Punk Dutch

Not Arguing, Just Explaining

I came. I saw. I made it weird.

Punk Dutch

I Came, I Saw, I Made It Weird

More jokes, songs, and carnie stories. Follow Dutch Knuckles.

Punk Dutch

Follow Dutch Knuckles

I’m not ignoring your advice. I’m giving it the same amount of attention it deserves.

Cowboy Dutch

Advice Gets the Attention It Deserves

I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode until further notice.

Cowboy Dutch

Energy-Saving Mode

I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why your opinion needs supervision.

Cowboy Dutch

Opinion Needs Supervision

I love people. In small doses. With a clear exit plan.

Cowboy Dutch

Small Doses, Clear Exit Plan

I’m not late. I’m making an entrance nobody asked for.

Cowboy Dutch

Entrance Nobody Asked For

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Cowboy Dutch

Follow Dutch Knuckles

Adulthood is just saying “it is what it is” while quietly pricing a new life.

Dutch Knuckles

Pricing a New Life

My idea of a wild night is cancelling plans and not feeling guilty until tomorrow.

Dutch Knuckles

Wild Night Is Cancelling Plans

They said “bring your whole self to work.” My whole self wants a nap and a better paycheck.

Dutch Knuckles

Whole Self Wants a Nap

I’m not holding a grudge. I’ve just updated your access level.

Dutch Knuckles

Grudge Access Level

I said “I deserve a little treat” and my bank app said “let’s not get carried away.”

Dutch Knuckles

Bank App Treat

Follow Dutch Knuckles for more adult sarcasm. Country rap, real life, questionable decisions.

Dutch Knuckles

Follow Dutch Knuckles

Browse all 55 cards in the collection. Filter by character or choose dad jokes, sarcastic cards, and follow promos.